


You in the Sea, When I'm in Our City

by androgenius, sevenminutes



Category: Glee RPF
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-20
Updated: 2012-10-20
Packaged: 2017-11-16 16:47:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/541678
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/androgenius/pseuds/androgenius, https://archiveofourown.org/users/sevenminutes/pseuds/sevenminutes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Lea loses herself, Jon stops recognizing his best friend. Butterflies take flight. Cities lay forgotten. Rifts tear apart. Comparison is the thief of joy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You in the Sea, When I'm in Our City

Summer nights in New York City are a great time to stay in, in Lea's opinion. The city air is thick and sticky and it makes her want to take all her clothes off, something she really shouldn't do in public. She can't afford to get arrested when she's supposed to be going to LA in a few days to start preparing to play Eponine, the role of her dreams.

She's spent enough time in the heat with Jon's summer of doing _Hair_ in the park. It felt like every free night she had she spent in a dress, sitting in the grass and watching him, just marveling at him. She can't say this summer hasn't been one of the best in her life, despite leaving _Spring Awakening_ in May, despite not knowing when her next big job will come or where it will be.

This Summer, she was in love.

Opting to spend one of their last nights together at her apartment, she and Jon cook a big Italian meal together and settle in to watch a movie. He's going over his script for _Taking Woodstock_ , green pen in hand and sometimes in his mouth as he concentrates on the words, makes notes here and there about Michael Lang and his mannerisms. She's having more and more trouble paying attention to _When Harry Met Sally_ , her eyes straying occasionally to his arms, appreciating how muscular they are.

Noticing her gaze, Jon smiles and sets the script aside, focusing entirely on her.

"Sorry, baby," he murmurs, kissing her as he pulls her feet into his lap.

"It's okay." She smiles at him dreamily, cuddling into the pillows at her back.

They go back to watching the movie, his hands running over her feet every now and then. She expects him to start massaging them, if he's going to do anything. But that's not what happens. The pen is still in his hand and she feels the cold, wet metal tip against the sensitive skin between her heel and her ankle. Slowly, it starts to move in a circle, and she looks up at him a little curiously.

He's looking down and glancing up at the movie, clearly distracted by something. Lowering the volume on the movie, Lea props herself up a bit on her elbow.

"Are you excited?" she asks softly, watching his face.

"Hmm?" That seems to startle him out of whatever trance he was in, looking over at her. "For what?"

She smiles saucily at him for a moment, but avoids the obvious response about sex. They haven't talked about it, but they're both leaving. She flies to Los Angeles in three days, and at the end of the month, after _Hair_ , he's set to go upstate to start shooting for _Taking Woodstock_. She doesn't want to think about it, about them being apart after they spent almost three years together eight times a week doing _Spring Awakening_ , and the entire Summer since leaving doing each other. But, as much as she doesn't want to think about it, they need to talk about it.

"To start your first movie, silly." She smiles so genuinely, so openly, so in love with him and so proud of him.

"Oh," he laughs, relaxing a little. "Yeah. I am. Are you excited, Miss Eponine?" Grinning, he runs his hand up her bare leg to settle on her hip.

"Yeah..." she responds slowly, a good bit more reluctant than him.

Jon being Jon, immediately catches it. "What's wrong?"

She sighs, looking at him for a long time before she sits up a little bit, but not enough to pull her feet away.

"I don't know. I just..." she takes a sip of wine and licks her lips. "I don't like that we're... leaving."

It sounds so stupid and childish, but she and Jonathan have been together in some way since they started Spring Awakening, even taking vacations together. This is the first time that they'll be apart, and it's going to be for a couple of months at least. He'll come back and she'll come back, but then where will they go next? Nothing is solid anymore. Nothing is a given. And it's really starting to freak her out.

"You're going to be shooting for Woodstock and I'm going to be in _LA_ \--" She makes a face. "And then who knows what you're going to do next, what I'm going to do next. I'm going to audition in New York when I get back from LA, but what if I get a job in Toronto or LA, or you get a part that has to shoot in... in... Nebraska, or something!"

She takes a breath, Jon just watching her, more and more concerned throughout her rant. It takes a moment, but he finally, slowly nods.

"It's... a possibility," he slowly concedes.

Lea looks at him, still clearly panicked. "Why aren't you more upset? After... everything, you're just okay with leaving me for months and months and possibly forever?"

The hand on her hip tightens, grounding her and bringing her back to the present. "Not forever. We'll always come back here," he reminds her patiently, smiling a little when she keeps pouting. "This is our city."

He's not worried, not even a little bit, and that calm gradually seeps from his skin into hers, her heart still aching at the thought of being apart, but less so because he's right. This is their city, the place that they fell in love with each other, and that means it's always going to be special, always going to be home.

She nods a little bit, still seeming unsure.

"What? Do I have to write it on your hand so you won't forget that I love you?" he laughs, waving his pen a little.

Then, something hits her and she nods. "Write it. You've already got an 'O'... " she giggles, wiggling her toes.

"Okay," he starts, sitting back and uncapping the pen again. "What am I writing?"

She stops at that, looking at him for a long moment before she starts laughing. She hadn't thought things out that far in advance.

"Our city," she decides finally, Jon still smiling and looking a little more in love with every passing second. "I liked that. It fits us." There's a beat and he's just lowering the pen back down when her voice rings out again. "Wait! It has to be neat and pretty, okay?" She gives him this _look_ , imploring him to make the words as least like his handwriting as possible.

"It'll be beautiful." Jon just smiles, getting the pen ready before leaning in and carefully tracing over the 'O' he left earlier, adding a little curlicue to the top of it. He starts on the actual letters, making them very neat and tidy, textbook cute and nice.

Watching his hand hold her ankle and foot in place, his thumb stroking the skin softly as he writes across her with the pen, Lea can't help but think how almost sensual this is. He leans in a little closer, after curling the 'y' and places a careful, precise dot over the 'i' and crosses the 't'. He doesn't let her foot go then, though, has his mind set on writing more, and Lea is curious about what it's going to say, craning her neck a little bit as he smiles wider.

She feels him write 'our' again, and then she feels him start on a very, very distinct and familiar word. _Love_. Tearing up a little, Lea bites the edge of her lip as she watches, her gaze torn between his face and the tip of the pen. He's smiling this soft little smile, one that she likes to think she's the only person to ever see it. There's a way that she can just tell that he means the word he's marking her with with every fiber in his being.

After placing three little dots after the 'e', leaving their story unfinished, something that could potentially go on as long as there are stars in the sky. Jon licks his lips and gently blows across the words, leaving Lea to shiver a little, instinctively pressing her thighs together a bit.

Finally, he sits up and replaces the cap on the pen, his hand running up her leg again, stroking her calf as he waits for her appraisal of his work.

"How's that?" he asks, beaming at her.

" _Perfect,_ " she responds, without hesitation, sitting up to kiss him firmly on the lips, her hands cupping his cheeks. Leaning her forehead against his for a moment, she smiles, little at first, then wide and wicked, a glint in her eye. "Come on..."

The confusion is evident on his face as he pulls back, looking at her curiously. His hair has gotten really long since leaving the show, which is appropriate for his current work as Claude and then Michael Lang coming up, and she runs her fingers through it, gripping the curly ends as she just smiles at him.

"You're coming with me and you're going to hold my hand while I get another tattoo," she tells him simply.

Jon looks down at her foot and then back up at her, smiling a little wider before leaning in to kiss her, deeper than she kissed him, drawing it out a little bit.

 

&

 

“ _What was really interesting for me is after _Spring Awakening_ was over, you do shows with people and you get close with them and then they’re over, and relationships remain or don’t remain. With Lea and I, our relationship had been completely defined by our working environment. But the amazing thing is after the show was over, we continued to remain close, which is the true testament of a friendship_.” - Jonathan Groff, April 12th, 2010 {[x](http://artsbeat.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/04/12/those-youve-known-lea-michele-and-jonathan-groff-reunite-on-glee/)}

 

&

 

"No, oh my god, you have no idea how happy I am to have you back! We've seen each other so little lately because you're so busy-- I miss Spring Awakening!"

Jon can't help but laugh-- she's always so unbelievably animated that it astounds him, so earnest in all her emotions. Even after six years by her side, he's not sure he'll ever get used to her completely.

It's a good thing, always a new surprise up her sleeve, always a way to make her laugh.

"Well then, we should make the most of my being here."

That stops her, and she looks up at him with a small, coy smile, setting her wooden spoon down along the edge of the pot to turn and face him, striking a seductive pose as she bats her lashes.

"Yes, we should..."

"But we should probably finish dinner first!" he laughs, Lea turning back to the pot from her pose to dip her spoon into the sauce to taste.

"Mm-- I actually think it's about done-- here, you try."

Holding the spoon out to him over her hand, she waits for him to lean in to taste as a stray drop slips down and falls onto her finger.

"Oh-- here." Taking her hand, he slips her messy finger into his mouth, taking his time to almost lewdly lick off the sauce as he grins, Lea starting to giggle. By the time he's done, he's laughing in earnest alongside her, Lea composing herself just enough to pull out bowls for the both of them to fill for dinner.

"I assume that was approval on the taste!" she laughs, handing him his bowl as he grabs the cutlery.

"Almost as delicious as you are," he winks with a grin as he drops down onto the couch, Sheila quickly joining him to climb into his lap.

"Tell her that that spot belongs to me and my feet," Lea smiles through an exaggerated pout, moving to sit on the opposite end to let her feet join the furry cat happily situated in his lap, who quickly decides that she'd rather have all the room to herself, and consequently moves to the armrest behind him.

"I think she's jealous," he beams, squeezing Lea's foot as Lea nods through a large bite of pasta, stopping for a moment to chew and swallow before she looks to him.

"Well, she has reason to be... your lap is valuable high-end property!"

"Should I be charging your feet from now on for letting them stay?"

"No, they get in for free... see?" Holding up her foot for him to see as she flexes and wiggles her toes, Jon smiles, his fingers running over the small inscription.

"Our city, our love..."

"Is and always will be," she smiles through another bite of pasta as Jon swallows down one of his own before setting down his bowl on the coffee table and instead lifting her foot up to his lips to gently kiss the words.

But he doesn't stop there, doesn't dare just stop at that, kissing his way slowly up to her ankle, her calf, leading her to inevitably set her own bowl down as well as though mystified, excited to see what might happen next, where his mouth might next travel over her skin.

But she already knows where his next kiss is going to land, how he'll move up her calf until he decides that sitting isn't good enough anymore, smiling at her from all fours like she's his sun, moon, stars, and the whole damn sky, to boot.

The best part of LA is that dresses are a daily constant, a given. Now, it means that Jon can easily push up the soft material of her dress, kissing his way along the inside of her thigh to leave her squirming and giggling even as he shimmies out of his socks and pants at the same time. He looks so damn happy, so damn coy and self-satisfied as he looks up to her over the hem of her dress that it just about kills her.

"Patience. I'm getting there."

She can't help but grin, a soft laugh escaping her as he further slows his mouth in its ascent up her leg.

"Mm--"

"You're teasing!" she laughs out loud when his hand squeezes at her knee, loud and raucous and unashamed grins at her again.

"Yeah... Mommy needs to learn to be patient."

"Mommy doesn't want to be patient when Daddy is being so mean and teasing her-- _ah_!"

His mouth finds its home suddenly and unexpectedly, moving straight from her upper thigh to her clit as Lea moans, loud, her head falling back, one of her hands tangling in his hair as her legs part, urging him further, begging for more.

"Oh-- oh god!"

"Mm... is that better for Mommy?"

"Oh god, yes, Daddy, don't stop--"

He knows how and when to obey, his lips latching onto her clit once more, letting his tongue lap at her eagerly to make her scream, her hand tightening in his hair as the other twists into one of the many throw pillows she keeps on the couch.

Jon always knows exactly how to make her come-- and fast, too-- and her cunt clenches eagerly, as though in desperate anticipation for his cock in the wake of her orgasm. She's always been a screamer, and Jon doesn't waste any more time before slipping up her body to kiss her cries away as he pushes down his boxer-briefs and lines himself up at her entrance.

"Oh god, yes, Jon, please fuck me--"

Nodding against her, he doesn't waste any time in thrusting inside of her, too practiced, too used to feeling at home within her to delay, to not know immediately how to move.

Lea clings to him as though Jon is the only thing keeping her afloat, truly alive, her hand still tangled desperately in his hair, legs wrapped tightly about his waist.

Never quite close enough.

He thrusts as though he's fighting to go deeper, closer, just as much as she's fighting to keep him there, his face buried in her neck to litter kisses left and right over the beautifully olive canvas that is her skin, drinking in every last moan and cry leaving her throat.

He doesn't know how, exactly, they went so off-course from dinner that this is where they ended up, but-- at the same time, maybe it makes sense. Maybe this is just where he belongs, his home for him to return to.

"Oh god, Daddy--"

"Come on, baby, come for me--" His hand moves to her clit, eagerly teasing her in rhythm with every thrust from his hips, letting his mouth trail up to kiss and nip at her jaw as his free hand grasps greedily at her formerly neglected chest.

"Daddy, oh god, _Daddy_!"

He's wound up enough already that her second orgasm does him in, thrusting deeply inside of her four, five more times before coming himself with a harsh gasp into her neck.

For a long moment it's just the sound of their intermingling breaths, the soft, lingering whimpers coming from Lea as he just holds her, sighing contentedly.

"Mm, god, Lee..."

"We should probably reheat our dinner..." Sheila gives them a look like she _knows_ all about their antics before striding off into Lea's bedroom, and she can't help but laugh as she kisses the tip of Jon's nose.

"No rush," he grins, squeezing her tightly as another giggle leaves her. Maybe another ten, fifteen minutes until she has to cough and her body forces him out of her, but until then-- their food can wait. Jon is infinitely more important than a hot meal off the stove, and even when his hands start roaming over her sides to tickle her gently, leaving her to laugh and squirm and fight against him, that doesn't change.

He's perfect.

 

&

 

" _… and last but not least Jon Groff my true soulmate._ " {[x](http://forevergame.tumblr.com/post/20099680739/find-of-the-day-lea-micheles-old-myspace-blog)}

 

&

 

When she does it, Lea is convinced that breaking up with Theo will be the best decision of her entire life. After she did that, everything came together so perfectly. She and Jon got closer than they ever had been before and it all just... clicked. It’s been hard to deal with being so far from each other usually, and it’s different now that they’re sleeping together. She doesn’t miss him more, just in a different way. It’s like it’s doubly painful.

But when they’re together for long periods of time, like her trips to New York and him coming to stay with her for a few weeks at the beginning of the year, it’s that much sweeter, that much better. It’s worth everything she goes through when they’re apart.

His stint on _Glee_ , especially, was special for her. They’d been apart for more than a month because of Jon shooting _Boss_ and she missed him more and more every day. It kills her that she can’t be there with him, and... even more that he’s taken along Zach. It’s not that she doesn’t trust him, or even that they’re doing anything official. And it’s not that she’s jealous of Zach. It’s really not.

But...

There’s this voice in her head, this ache in her heart, that tells her that he’s getting farther and farther away from her. She can feel him pulling away and toward Zach and she doesn’t like it. It makes her sick.

She wants to go back to the beginning of the year when everything was new and bright and held so much promise for the future. She and Jon would wake up and spend an entire day together, something that was a rare opportunity. Breakfast in bed, making love in the mid-morning light, playing with Sheila together, and then making dinner and curling up on the couch. Everything they did was _together_ , and she misses that so much her chest aches every time she thinks about it.

Maybe that’s why she agrees to go along with dating Cory. It’s lonely without Jon and she doesn’t want to admit it, but she needs _someone_. She likes Cory well enough, feels similarly to him how she felt to Theo. He’s a really nice guy, but he’s not Jon. No one is.

Her and Cory have been photographed together for weeks, but they’ve been careful to make sure it hasn’t been anything too close, nothing overt. No hand-holding. _No_ kissing. Kissing him still feels like work, and she just hopes that will get better as time goes on. Still, she tries to forget the voice that reminds her that kissing Jonathan? It never felt like work.

It’s a Jon-less trip to New York for the upfronts, seeing three shows without him and texts coming to her phone about how excited he is because something is _finally happening_ with Zach, that ultimately sends her over the edge. At the Rangers game, knowing there are cameras across the rink aimed directly at her and Cory, Lea leans in to kiss him, not unlike what happened with her and Theo at the Time event. It’s deliberate, and the part of her that feels like an idiot for hoping things could stay the same with Jon, hopes that he sees it.

 

&

 

 

&

 

Jonathan sees it two days later. He’s been getting texts from Lea about how much she misses him and he misses her a lot, too, but between shooting and everything else going on, he can’t just take a trip to New York just to see a show with her. He promises to see a show next time and she seems satisfied with that.

They’re getting coffee at a newsstand when he sees the magazine cover and just sort of stares for a moment. Zach doesn’t catch it, thankfully, and they thank the man for their cups and get started on their day. But then he and Zach are still in one hotel room together, so he doesn’t get a chance to talk to her about it until he gets back to LA and she's back from her vacation in Europe.

They meet up at her place since he’s staying with Zach, and the intention is to have one of their normal movie nights and gently mention it.

She’s chopping zucchini, and he notices that her smile is a little dimmer, a little more subdued, but still there. It makes his stomach clench up nervously.

“Glad you were able to make time for me,” she says, almost casually. But Jon knows her better than she even knows herself, or so he used to think, and he refuses to take the bait and get angry.

He sighs, focusing on the sauce. “I’m sorry if I’ve been busy lately, Lea.”

“Busy?” she asks incredulously, her brow furrowing as she seemingly can’t understand how he would think that’s an appropriate word for how their relationship has been lately. “Jonathan, you’ve been nonexistent.”

This is clearly something she’s been holding in for a long time, and he turns the stove off, leaning back against the counter, the heels of his hands flat across the edge as his fingers silently drum against the front of the drawer. They’re not doing anything else until they talk about this.

“I had to be in Chicago to shoot the show, you know that. Then _you_ were in Europe and doing other stuff... But I’m back now,” he tells her earnestly.

“You’re not back! You’re not--” She stops herself, shaking her head. “Things aren’t how they were before you left. I miss that. I miss... _you_.”

This is incredibly difficult for him for a lot of reasons. He misses her, too, loves her more than she probably really understands, but... There’s a _but_ there that he doesn’t want to acknowledge. He’s spent the better part of three months trying to ignore this feeling in the pit of his stomach, trying to distract himself with work and Zach and anything else that he can.

“I miss you, too,” he says finally, wrapping his arms loosely around her with a sigh. He hesitates for just a moment before he leans in to gently kiss her. It’s just a soft press of his lips against hers, nothing like how he was kissing her three months ago.

He’s dating Zach, and he tries to tell himself that this barely counts because they haven’t even been together that long but he and Lea have been together for almost seven years. Kissing her, he remembers a time in his life when she was his everything. Doesn’t that make kissing her now okay?

He knows it doesn’t, but he has to ignore that for the moment because he’s terrified of the person she’s becoming. He needs to be her friend right now, her rock, and remind her who she is, but the person that needs her just as much as she needs him just wants to cling to her a little longer.

Lea sags with relief against him, pushing the kiss farther than he meant for it to go, her fingers tangling in his t-shirt as she pulls him closer to her, their hips connecting with a little spark.

He feels guilty for leaving her so much, and although he knows that he’s not the reason that she’s made some of the choices she has, he can’t help but feel responsible. That slightly skewed and misplaced feeling of loyalty, the echoes of the months and years that he spent at her back, at her side, inside her and loving her, is probably what makes him lift her up onto his waist, walking blindly in the direction of her bedroom, their dinner forgotten.

Usually content to go slow and take his time, this time Jon doesn’t waste a moment before he reaches for the edge of Lea’s top and pulls it up over her head, his hands moving to her shorts as soon as they’re free again.

“Oh god, I missed you so much,” she murmurs breathlessly and gratefully between kisses, her fingers making quick work of his jeans as she steps out of her shorts, leaving her in nothing but a thong. “Jon...”

He pulls back to look at her and get his shirt off, swallowing hard at the sight of her. This would be so much easier if he didn’t love her as much as he does, or if he didn’t find her as attractive as he does. When he tosses his shirt off next to hers and slides his hands into the waistband of his boxer briefs, he’s already hard.

“I missed _you_ , this...” he tells her before kissing her again, harder and more desperately than before, and pulling her flush against him with a hand on her back.

Lea’s hands press against his bare chest for a moment, pulling back to look at him as his hand trails down to her ass, cupping the rounded flesh as his thumb traces the band at her hip. He’s about to ask what it is and if she wants to slow down when the look in her eyes stops him, makes his heart clench in his chest. It’s like she’s been wandering through a desert alone and she just now found shade and shelter in him. She looks so fucking grateful for him that it breaks his heart a little.

“I’m so glad you’re back,” she whispers, licking her lips before leaning back into him, her hand threading through his hair as she kisses him again, deeper.

When she’s like this, so much like the woman that he fell in love with, that he felt so connected to, he can’t help but respond. He can’t help but be affected. He still loves her and he always will, even if he shouldn’t, even if he’s with someone else. She’s always been his weakness, and because he’s weak, he just keeps kissing her, his hands hooking into the sides of her thong to push it down her legs.

Moaning as it pools around her ankles, Lea steps out of it and jumps up onto Jon’s waist again, kissing him as she grinds against him. “Mm... missed this.”

“Me, too,” he replies a little breathlessly as he pushes her hair aside to start kissing her neck, his eyes closing as he breathes in the familiar scent of _Lea_.

He takes a couple of steps with her balanced in his arms like that and then sets her down on the bed, following up himself to balance over her as he starts kissing his way down her chest. He closes his eyes, savoring the taste of her skin as his lips travel lower, nipping just to the right of her collar bone, the secret spot that drives her crazy. Shuddering under his touch, Lea lets out a moan as she nods.

“Mm, please--” she whines, her legs wrapping around his waist to pull him in closer.

Reaching up to cup one of her breasts, Jon squeezes a little bit, teasing her nipple, but still steadily kissing his way down her chest.

This is what they do. She begs for more and Jon teases and kisses and takes his time, refusing to give in for as long as possible. But this time they’ve been apart for too long, missed each other too much, and the ache in Jon’s chest still hasn’t gone away. He doesn’t hesitate to speed things up a little bit, knowing that Lea won’t mind in the least.

He groans, taking one of her nipples into his mouth as his hand finds her clit, rhythmically teasing her. They haven’t talked about him and Zach, and they haven’t talked about her and Cory, but right now he just needs to be close to her like he used to be, and she needs that, too. He can tell by the way she runs her fingers through his hair, and urges him closer, as if he were miles away instead of connected to her. But, she always does that, always wants more and closer, him.

Sliding back up her body, he kisses her firmly on the lips as he slides his cock inside her with a groan. Staying still for just a moment, he takes a breath, his forehead pressed against hers.

“Lea--” He can’t say anything more as he starts thrusting, the ache in his chest getting worse instead of better with each roll of his hips.

Clinging to him tighter, Lea gasps in his ear, her hips arching up to meet his thrusts. “O-oh god-- Jon!”

It should disturb him how fucking good they are at this, but it never has. He just _loves_ her. Tonight that doesn’t feel like quite the blessing that it has in the past, but he just pushes that aside, thrusting harder, a little deeper into her, thinking that closer and more will help. He keeps waiting for that moment when it’s all better, his head and heart clear.

Dropping his head to her shoulder, Jon kisses and nips a line across to her neck, his tongue flicking out to feel her pulse point as he reaches down to touch her clit, just enough pressure to make her squirm a little more, beg him to go faster.

She’s told him on more than one occasion that no one can make her come like he can. Normally something they laugh about, the fact that her gay best friend is the best lover she’s ever had, tonight he couldn’t possibly be more grateful for that fact, almost not expecting it when he feels her pussy start to clench and pulse around his cock.

“Ah--! _Jon_ \--” she gasps, her head pressing back against the pillow as her fingers dig into his shoulders.

He can usually hold on and make her come at least twice. They don’t usually do quick and hard, a fast fuck and then back to business as usual. Even when they spend a lot of time together, every time they make love is special, and Jon treats it as such. Tonight, though, he’s been teetering on the edge of _something_ since he walked through the door, and he can’t help it when he grabs her hips and thrusts into her twice more before coming inside her, his mouth open and eyes closed as he tucks his face into her neck.

“Oh god--” he breathes as his hips still and his cock throbs inside her, Lea’s legs wrapping around his waist to keep him safe and close, as close as possible.

He keeps his eyes closed and his face close to her neck, his mind screaming, asking him what the fuck he just did and why it seemed like a good idea. His heart is racing a mile a minute and it's not just from the sex. They were having an argument before, or starting to at least, and nothing got said or solved.

She's the one that speaks first, her fingers trailing along his scalp as she runs her fingers through his hair.

"I knew you'd come back... for me..." She sighs happily, giving him a little smile. "We always come back to each other."

"I know, baby. We do," he responds, a slightly sad smile on his lips.

That's when he realizes why this is so hard. She is the same, but she also _isn't_ , and the part of her that changed is driving him away. They always come back to each other, but Jon doesn't understand half of her life or why she thinks she needs to be a part of twelve different ad campaigns at twenty-five. She goes to premieres and parties and events all the time these days and he can't help but wonder what happened to the girl he used to hold hands with while they wandered around the Village, or the girl that once made him laugh so hard he dropped the pizza they were making.

They will always come back to each other, so long as a shadow of that girl is still inside her, but he can't help but be drawn to another. He can't help but _want_ to be with someone else more, unlike Lea who is a force of nature, compelling him to return to her.

Sighing softly, Jon kisses her as he pulls out and then sits beside her, helping to clean her off. He tries to give her a little smile as she stretches out on the bed, taking his hand to trace his fingers with hers.

"Here." She shifts to get under the covers, pulling the opposite side back for him. "Let's take a nap, then we can finish dinner later."

She thinks he's staying, and his throat tightens up, Jon shaking his head reluctantly.

"I'm sorry. I've gotta get home. I have kind of an early day tomorrow, so that's why... I suggested dinner..." he sighs. This was what he wanted to avoid by just doing dinner.

He can know that it's all wrong with them right now, and be sure that he's doing the right thing by not leading her on any more and staying, but that doesn't stop his heart from breaking when her face falls. She's clearly disappointed, and she curls up a little bit on her side, pulling the blanket up to cover her breasts. It's a look on her that he's never seen before, and his stomach twists guiltily, knowing that he just made her feel cheap.

"O-oh. Okay." She nods, trying to smile. "I'll just see you later, then. Text me between your rehearsals and stuff and... we'll make dinner or get together and do something fun?"

"Yeah," he assures her with a smile. "Definitely. Count on it."

He slowly gathers his clothes from around the room while Sheila and Lea watch from the bed, the back of his neck getting warmer with every passing second. He still can't really believe that he just did that, and that they didn't talk about anything. Making sure to kiss her one more time, Jon leaves her house, pulling out his phone once he's in his car and seeing three missed texts and one call from Zach.

What the fuck is he doing? He needs to make a decision about how to handle this in a way that will hopefully keep them both in his life, even if it won't be the way Lea wants it to be.

 

&

 

“ _In an industry where girls are expected to look and act a certain way, she isn’t afraid to be her own person. She inspires me._ ” - Jonathan Groff, October 31st, 2011 {[x](http://www.glamour.com/women-of-the-year/2011/lea-michele#ixzz1cSVaFjPZ)}

 

&

 

After months of near-misses and not seeing each other, not even talking to each other some days, to finally have Jon back home with her is the best thing. She knows he's... with Zach, but it can't be that serious if he came over that night and made love to her like he did.

Still, he's being a little weird and she's not sure what to make of it.

When Jon texts her to ask if she's free to hang out with him the next week, she doesn't hesitate to agree, clearing her entire evening. Skylar and Zach are coming, too, which she doesn't mind so long as she gets time in Jon's lap.

Skylar, the little brother neither of them had, knows a lot about their history. Not necessarily by choice, but for better or worse, he knows it all. After being around enough nights when Lea gets drunk and handsy and _talkative_ , he knows more than anyone else, save for Lauren and Lea's cousin. He always gives them space when they all hang out, never questions or judges anything they do, something Lea really appreciates.

She's not thrilled to be hanging out with Zach, too, but she understands that him and Jon are dating, so she'll deal with it. She'd do anything for him, even sit across from him and his boyfriend for an entire evening. Jon knows how she feels even without her saying anything, so she can at least count on him making this as painless as possible.

She checks her makeup one last time as she pulls up to Zach's place, looking at the house a little uncomfortably. The fact that it's Jon makes this incredibly hard on her, but because it's _Jon_ she has to try.

She's in her cutest, casual-without-really-being-casual mini, nice sandals, and her hair in waves. Her skirt is short enough to make Jon (and Skylar) take a second look at her legs. Walking up the steps with her bottle of wine in one hand and her phone in the other, Lea takes a deep breath, shifting the wine to her elbow to free a hand to knock with.

But before she gets the chance, the door opens with Jon on the other side, smiling widely.

"Hey!" he greets her, taking the wine and kissing her on the cheek. "How are you?"

"Good," Lea beams, keeping her arm around him as they step into the house. They turn the corner into the living room where the other boys are, and she notices Jon deliberately stepping away from her with a glance at Zach, who doesn't seem to think there was anything odd about it at all. It hurts, even though she hides it by coming to take a seat on the couch, looking around the room.

"How is everyone?" she asks, pouring herself a glass of wine.

 

&

 

 

&

 

The entire night feels a little bit like an audition to Jon, but the most awkward, nerve-wracking audition that a person can think of, with the highest stakes imaginable.

He knows Lea likes Zach, and Zach's never had an issue with her before. But tonight is different. The three of them (and Skylar as a buffer) are hanging out under different terms. The last time Lea, him, and Zach were together, they were at dinner as friends, and Theo didn't mind Lea and Jon getting closer than best friends should. _And_ they'd been in public.

Tonight is a different setting with a different set of terms, and he keeps watching Lea, waiting for her to get huffy or upset.

She's an only child, and she's never been particularly good at sharing, least of all sharing him.

It all goes really well, though. Really, it goes much better than he expected. Him, Lea and Skylar start recounting old stories from their _Spring Awakening_ days and Zach sits there with the biggest grin on his face, soaking it all in. It’s when Lea, after her fourth glass of wine, pulls Jon up to start dancing that things... start to spiral out of control...

She’s reenacting the night that they all got trashed and had a dance party, everyone grinding up against each other, and Jon looks over to see that Zach isn’t really quite getting why her ass needs to be against his boyfriend’s crotch. Skylar notices the look as well, and stands up to take Remy’s place in the story, pressing his front against Lea’s as she protests a little.

“See, Remy was pulling her this way...” he says, Zach nodding along as he stands. “And then Lauren came up behind Jon and started to ease him in the opposite direction...”

“What, that’s not--”

But no one pays attention to Lea’s protest, Zach already going through the motions laid out for him and pulling Jon away, turning into him with a wide, playful grin and kissing his neck. Lea is _right there_ , so Jon locks up, until he remembers that she’s going to have to see this eventually, so he slowly, tentatively, leans in and kisses Zach back, not expecting Zach’s hands to slide into his back pockets as he pulls him closer.

 

&

 

 

&

 

Skylar pulls her back so hard that they fall, Lea landing in his lap as she looks up at the scene unfolding before her.

… _No_.

There is something inherently wrong about watching someone else kiss him like that. Almost as if he knows, Skylar’s hands come around her waist, keeping her in his lap and stopping her from jumping up and breaking them apart. He gives her this warning look, shaking his head a little before she finally looks away and looks down at the carpet, then up at her wine glass. Crawling out of his arms, she makes her way over to the coffee table, her chest impossibly tight with jealousy and betrayal, and immediately drains the last of her wine.

One, two, three...

She reminds herself to breathe at least three times before using Skylar’s shoulder to get to her feet, still not looking at Jon.

“Well... I-I better... just... go...” she says a little unsteadily, staring at the ground as she looks for her purse and then starts rummaging around for her keys.

She can’t linger on their faces for long, but Zach looks confused, Skylar looks resigned, like he knew this was coming, and Jon-- She can’t look at Jon at all, rushing past him to the front door, intent on getting in her car and getting home as fast as possible. She hears the door _thunk_ against something, probably his body, but she doesn’t stop. Her hands are shaking as she gets her keys out of her bag finally and unlocks her car.

“Lea!”

Hearing his voice seems to cause something to break in her, and she turns around, her eyes already starting to turn red.

“No!” she screams back at him, dropping her purse on the driveway. “You don’t get to come out here with that stupid tone like I’m being ridiculous about this! Not after everything that’s happened!” He opens his mouth and she just cuts him off. “And don’t you _dare_ fucking act like you don’t know what I’m talking about, Jon!”

Her cheeks are turning hot and red, burning with the shame and humiliation of mistakenly believing that she was more important to him than this, and she can tell she’s about to start crying. She’s going to lose it right here in the driveway and he’s still not making any move to comfort her.

“Lea,” he sighs, shaking his head as his eyes close, like seeing her like this might be painful for him. “I’ve had boyfriends before-- this isn’t--”

She cuts him off with a harsh, bitter laugh.

“No! Just _stop_ \--” She feels her eyes simultaneously let go of the tears she’d been desperately holding back. “This is different now and you fucking know it. I’m not overreacting! Six months ago, we were--” She shakes her head, not even able to say the words.

Jon is just standing there, silently, his eyes big and sad and looking at her like he wishes everything could be different.

“A lot can change in six months,” he whispers.

Letting out a sob, Lea shakes her head.

“That was the wrong answer, Jonathan.” She starts crying harder, leaning against her car as he comes up and puts a tentative hand on her shoulder.

“Baby--”

“No!” she sobs, pushing him back. “You fucking _replaced me_! H-how could you do that?!”

“No one could replace you,” he whispers sadly, but not terribly convincingly. “Not the person you were six months ago, at least.”

Slowly turning her head toward him, she narrows her eyes as more tears flow, completely unchecked.

“... what?”

“You’ve just... changed--”

He doesn’t get to finish the thought before she reaches out and slaps him, hard, right across the cheek.

He slept with her for months, told her she was the love of his life for _years_ and now he’s going to justify leading her on and then leaving her by saying that she’s changed? Like that makes it okay? Like he’s perfect and completely blameless in all of this?

“I’ve _changed_? So that makes it okay for you to just-- just... abandon me?!” she cries. “Some great fucking friend you are! Oh, I’m sorry. We don’t tell people about the _fucking_ , do we? No, you want to keep your image perfect and clear, right? Even though you’re such a great boyfriend that you fucked me last week.” She stops for a moment, staring at him in disgust. “I have always kept your secret as much as I wished otherwise. _Years_ , Jonathan. Do you know how much this hurts me? To watch you replace me with someone who happens to have a dick?”

“That’s not what happened--” he tries to protest before she cuts him off again, roughly pushing him away as she wipes at her cheeks.

“Shut the _fuck_ up!” she screams. “You fucking asshole! You were never supposed to do this to me!” She closes her eyes, trying to clear them enough to see. Finally, with shaking hands, she grabs the handle on her door.

She’s never felt so utterly _useless_ and _replaced_ and _forgotten_. And she never, never thought it would be because of him.

“You need to decide if I’m important enough to stay in your life,” she tells him, her voice wavering. “If I’m not--” She stops, shaking her head. “You know what? Just don’t bother. I can’t let myself hope for anything with you anymore. Just...”

She comes over, her hand winding into the hair at the back of his head, pulling him in for one last kiss. She tastes nothing but tears, and she can’t tell if they’re just hers or his, too. But that doesn’t really matter. Because he’s still not stopping her. And it’s still too late to fix it.

Letting him go, she quickly walks back to her car, ignoring him trying to call her back and instead getting in and starting the engine. For a while on the drive back to her house, the tears sort of stop, like she goes numb. But then, at a stoplight three blocks from home, they start again.

She didn’t even say goodbye.

 

&

 

" _I can honestly say she is the same person as she was the day I met her._ " - Jonathan Groff, August 27th, 2010 {[x](http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-1306530/From-Glee-gore-The-unlikely-path-Amish-heart-throb.html?ito=feeds-newsxml#ixzz0xlGmQP3c)}

 

&

 

Life is... _different_ without Jon.

The parts that feel lonelier, emptier, and more painful are ones she does her best to ignore and push aside. She has... Cory and Ryan and Kevin and Dianna and all of her friends on set and off set. The whole world loves her.

It doesn't make sense for it to hurt this much that she hasn't heard from him in what feels like years.

After over a month of no contact, it makes sense that he probably wouldn't just pop back into her life unannounced, tell her that he and Zach broke up, and that he can't live without her. It would be nice, but-- unlikely.

But when her birthday week rolls around-- what with it being on a Wednesday making it kind of hard to properly celebrate, and all-- she can't help but think that he might deign it appropriate to remind her that he exists, that he still loves her, that their fight didn't completely ruin their friendship.

With all the friends she has, it's only logical that she would want to space out the fun over a whole week.

It has _nothing_ to do with the phantom hope that giving Jon an entire week to call her might make it more likely to hear from him.

_Of course not._

Her twitter is flooded with well-wishes and _happy birthday!_ s from people left and right, getting texts from all of her friends, some of them even picking up their phones to call her if they haven't already made plans to have lunch, grab coffee, or go to dinner together.

But nothing from _Him_.

On the night before her birthday, she tweets about Cory and wishes he were Jonathan.

 

 

She picks up her phone at least several dozen times over the week-- even more on the day of her birthday on top of everything else-- just stopping to stare at his name in her contacts, the texts that have their last datestamp at _July 25th_ , several times just stopping to type out a message to him, stopping, staring at it for a good ten minutes-- occasionally getting up to preoccupy herself as though in the hopes that her head will feel clearer, or this will hurt a bit less, enough for her to send the message by the time she gets back, even though it never does-- and promptly backspacing all of it again.

> _~~I love you:)~~ _
> 
> _~~I'm sorry I blew up at you the other night. I didn't mean for things to get so out of hand...~~ _
> 
> _~~I miss you.~~ _
> 
> _~~I don't know what happened between us to make us drift apart like this but I don't like it:(~~ _
> 
> _~~You know I'd never criticize you for dating or being happy with anyone else, I just wish I was the only one.~~ _
> 
> _~~I feel like I'm losing you and I'm scared.~~ _
> 
> _~~I'm sorry. Please just forgive me? I want things to go back to the way they were..:(~~ _

 

&

 

“ _I don’t think you understand – I don’t think you get it. I don’t go a day without talking to Jonathan. I don’t go a day without being in contact with him._ " - Lea Michele, April 12th, 2010 {[x](http://artsbeat.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/04/12/those-youve-known-lea-michele-and-jonathan-groff-reunite-on-glee/)}

 

&

 

It never happens. She never sends him anything, and he never calls her or emails her or texts her. Not so much as a note.

Instead, there seem to be daily candids of Zach and Jon hanging out, walking around, jogging together, taking out Zach's dogs-- so much so that she no longer actively _tries_ to look at the newsstands in the hopes of _not_ seeing anything about them, instead actually trying to avoid looking up news on Jon on a daily basis.

It's a little obsessive.

She doesn't care.

It's not until she's through a whole bottle of wine and half of an Alanis album that she finally picks up her phone, types, and presses _send_ for the first time in weeks.

> _My birthday was fine, thanks for asking._

It takes a good fifteen minutes (the little ellipsis on her phone signaling that he's writing back) for him to finally get back to her when it used to take him fifteen _seconds_ , and she glares at her phone as she stares down at his message.

> _Oh my god, Lea, I'm so sorry! I've just been so busy working on RED and I know how busy you've been, so I wanted to give you space. But you're right, I shouldn't have forgotten about your birthday, and I'm sorry._

More dots. Still typing.

> _Maybe if you have time tomorrow you could stop by the Mark Taper Forum tomorrow and see me? It's our last show, and I'd obviously love to have you there... we could hang out after the show._

It sounds like such a bullshit, off-hand excuse. He's been busy? They've been friends for seven years. Lea can't think of a single instance that would have her so busy that she'd _forget Jon's birthday_. He's the most important person in her life. Loving him is equivalent to _breathing_.

And that's when it hits her, feeling herself start to cry as Sheila climbs into her lap to cuddle up.

She's not the most important person in his life anymore.

Maybe she never even was.

 

&

 

" _We see everything that the other has done_ " - Jonathan Groff, June 4th, 2010 {[x](http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-1283824/BAZ-BAMIGBOYE-Peas-says-Glee-golden-boy-Jonathan-Groff.html#)}

 

&

 

It's his last show-- a strange reminder of the fact that she almost missed seeing him in something-- so naturally she knows that Zach will be there to celebrate with him after. _Hanging out with Jonathan_ after is nothing like the way they used to back in _Spring Awakening_ , and it's why she doesn't even hesitate to ask Cory to come be her date, hoping that it'll deliver the appropriate burn and leave Jon with a bitter aftertaste in his mouth.

It's no longer about them as one cohesive whole, one entity, it's about them as separate beings, and she feels oddly lost no matter how many pictures are taken of her with Cory before and after the show, how long her and Jonathan get to stop and talk, their respective boyfriends always seeming to linger like an unspoken buffer, like they might return to fighting if only left to their own devices for longer than a few minutes alone.

She tells him, rather off-handedly, that she's going to be on Jimmy Kimmel tomorrow, and seeing as his parents will be in town, they should just come see her together and have lunch after, like there's nothing wrong, like nothing about this seeming canyon between them needs to be talked about.

Not that he appears to disagree, readily agreeing to her invitation, Cory and Zach none the wiser.

Like she doesn't feel as though her heart is missing its other half, as though every word from him that isn't _I love you_ and _I'm so sorry_ and _I need you_ sears through her like a stab in the chest, and that night in the shower, catching a glimpse of _our city, our love_ on her foot while shaving, she can't help but feel that it doesn't mean anything anymore.

 

&

 

" _Jonathan and I went to see Gypsy like two Mondays ago, on our day off— we go see shows a bunch together. And ‘You’ll Never Get Away From Me’ started, and I like nudged Jonathan, and I was like ‘you’re never gonna get away from meee,’ cause he’s not gonna, because he’s my best friend, and then we were like, oh my gosh! It’s perfect for us! And the minute the song started, all of our friends started laughing, because they know it’s like ‘you’ll never get away from me’— total truth of our relationship._ " - Lea Michele, February 1st, 2011 {[x](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Q2UBrkQ-30)}

 

&

 

The strappy golden heels she wears on the show only barely cover up the words, but it's not enough, every reminder of Jonathan seeming to ache hollowly in her chest. Calling him out publicly was supposed to help make her feel better, less bitter and more vindicated, but-- it doesn't. It just comes out sounding as raw and painful as it feels, and she rattles her way through her words painfully quickly as she talks about the farm, the goat, the whole experience in a way that is even less flattering than it used to be when she mentioned it before.

It aches in her chest even more after the show is over, lunch almost awkwardly stilted between them. The perfectly organic, natural exchange between the two of them lost, it's like the world is turned on its head, and that evening, she doesn't hesitate to set an appointment at a tattoo parlor.

It just hurts too much, knowing he doesn't want her anymore.

 

&

 

“ _We sort of hit it off from that first audition. We kept on going into the room together and then, you know, it happened. And on the first day of rehearsal for the workshop I remember we left the rehearsal together and she was like ‘You and me are gonna be lifelong friends’ and I was like ‘Okay’._ ” - Jonathan Groff, Fall 2011 {[x](http://broadwayworld.com/videoplay.php?colid=281879)}

 

&

 

Lauren and Skylar would tell her that she's being stupid, that she needs to think this over, that she's throwing away literal _years_ between them in one, singular, bad decision just because he forgot about her birthday.

But it's about so much more than that.

Which is why she calls up her cousin to hold her hand a week or so after the Jimmy Kimmel incident while she has a part of her wiped away, scribbled over, her body a virtual palimpsest of bad memories replaced by new beginnings.

She doesn't need Jon anymore, not when he doesn't even want her, when he replaced her without a single thought to seven years spent together.

Best friends. Soulmates. Lovers.

Covering up their city, their love hurts far worse than the original ever did, and even in spite of her usually high tolerance for pain, she can't stop herself from crying here and there.

She's just not sure if it's from actual pain or rooted in something so much deeper.

All she knows is that writing over him on her body feels almost too easy when she knows that she can't erase the echoes of him in her chest, deeper inside of her than any tattoo ever reaches.

 

&

 

 

&

 

A part of Jon is worried that they’ll never get back to the place that they were before. A _big_ part of him is worried about that.

A couple of days after Jimmy Kimmel, he and Skylar went over to her house to watch _Glee_. That night had been... decidedly awkward. They all fell back on talking about the music and what she would be recording next and it would have been fine if it weren’t for the fact that they spent the entire evening on the opposite sides of the room, not really directly addressing each other or talking about anything personal. She was on her phone almost the entire time, Jon finally getting up just after the show ended and telling her that he’d see her in New York the next week and they’d all catch up then.

She gives a fairly non-committal response about her being there for work and her mom wanting to see her, but he knows if anything is still the same with her, she won’t pass on the chance to see a show with him.

 _Porgy and Bess_ is only on for a few more days when they both get into the city, and Jon knows that’s one she won’t want to miss, so he gets them tickets. It’s disturbing to him how well he still knows her, despite feeling like he’s talking to a stranger half the time.

She loosens up, even leaning into him a little during the show while Audra sings. It’s the kind of moment where they would have held hands before, but now he tenses for a moment and she catches herself, moving back into her own seat.

It hurts because it’s not them.

But it’s not all bad. The show puts her in a great mood, and he sees the smile that he’s been missing for the last two months. It’s wide and open and genuine. In the cab on the way to their _Spring Awakening_ dinner, she actually leans into him a little, talking about how great it’ll be to see everyone again, how much she misses them when she’s in LA.

He agrees, of course, and he’s glad that they’ll always have the show to bind them together in a way, even if everything else falls apart.

“It was so much fun, right?” she asks, laughing as the buildings move past her head out the window. “We were young, we were alive, we were in the _city_ and on the stage...”

He doesn’t remind her that they’re twenty-six and twenty-seven respectively, so they’re still young. To be honest, he’s always felt older, always dated older men, and when he’s dealing with his issues with Lea... that feels like an entire lifetime’s worth of emotional baggage.

“You should go back to the stage,” he says gently, putting his hand on her knee.

He’s noticed a definite change in her from when she was doing theatre and live performances and her doing Glee. She was happier, she was a better actress, she was challenging herself, she was connecting with her work. She was _his_ Lea.

“Oh, I don’t know...” she whines reluctantly. “I’m so _busy_. I don’t know if I have the time to just stop everything and start doing eight shows a week again. Plus, there’s my contract.”

Six months ago, he might not have hesitated and he would have just told her that she needs to go back. Now? He just nods with a sigh.

“Yeah... just think about it. It might be fun,” he tells her slowly.

He just got done with _RED_ , and did _Deathtrap_ and _The Submission_ , so he knows how reinvigorating the stage can be, no matter what it is. She’s got offers coming in, invitations to audition. That’s not a secret to anybody. It’s just a matter of her being strong enough to do it and being able to figure a way out of her contract.

He’ll always bet on her and her will. Even now.

He would say more, tell her how much he misses seeing her perform, but the cab lurges to a stop outside the restaurant and he pays the driver, thanking him as Lea gets out first and he follows.

The rest of the gang is already at the table, Jon and Lea the last to arrive, since Lauren and Skylar aren’t coming. The first few minutes is always everyone milling about and hugging those they haven’t seen in forever, in this case Lea and Jon, a flurry of conversations and quick catching up, compliments about outfits.

He ends up sitting next to Lea, since everyone saved them two seats together, and it’s a little bit of a relief that she doesn’t protest or act oddly, just sitting next to him like everything’s normal, even leaning into him to talk about her order. Things seem... almost normal.

It’s always good to see everyone, and Jon always leaves dinner with them feeling so much joy, feeling humbled and connected to his past. He might move on, do TV and movies, other things, but he’ll never forget _Spring Awakening_ , just like he knows Lea won’t ever forget it either.

He takes a chance leaving the restaurant and takes her hand as he waves goodbye to the group, Lea and him walking in the opposite direction.

“I miss _Spring Awakening_ so much!” she gushes as she leans into him as they walk, her steps long and a bit unsteady from the three glasses of wine.

“I know. It was such a beautiful show, such talented actors. I’m not sure what more you can really ask for in a job.”

Lea smiles up at him under a streetlight, and just a few months ago she might have responded with something about meeting her best friend and soulmate. She doesn’t now, just nodding along.

“I know. Ugh, I just want to do _Spring Awakening_ again! Where could we go right now, to some bar with a piano, and do the whole show?” she begs, tugging on his arm with a smile. “I miss it so much!”

He misses it, too. He misses singing with her, misses feeling so connected to her every night. He misses the show, for sure, but he misses her a lot more.

“The _whole_ show?” he asks with a grin, glancing pointedly at her chest. “I’m pretty sure that any bar with a piano nice enough to allow us to commandeer it won’t allow us to perform the _whole show_...”

His arm slips around her waist as he pulls her a little closer, kissing her temple and praying that she won’t pull away from him.

 

&

 

 

&

 

When Lea's mom comes to town not two weeks later, they all celebrate her birthday together, and it's starting to feel more and more like _them_ again, Jon infinitely relieved. Even bringing Zach to Lea's Halloween party doesn't turn out awkwardly, and somehow all of their interactions return to their natural former place to the point where even dancing with Lea feels as organic as ever.

It's like an early Christmas present, Jon feeling somewhat reinvigorated with the advent of the (somewhat) cooler weather from November's entrance.

Lunch here, dinner here, texts and phonecalls in between-- _best friends_.

Tonight, it's just them, a small, tucked away piano bar, and one shared drink that quickly turns into five before Lea drags him up to the empty mic stand, begging him the whole way.

"Come on, come on, we almost did it back in New York, and I'm _totally_ drunk enough to do this, and so are _you_ , so let's just beg the staff and do it right here, right now! Let's just do the whole show!"

He laughs with his whole body as he beams at her, letting himself get dragged up onto his feet almost too easily, no resistance as she leads him over to the stage. She's right. He missed this, missed performing with her, there being something undeniably beautiful about the magic of live music shared with a captivated audience.

"We can't do the whole show! I'll start crying if we do stuff like 'Left Behind' together-- I just did that in Indianapolis and it was nothing but tears, Lee."

"Okay, so we'll do the fun ones! Like-- a medley. We'll do a medley! We can start with 'Mama Who Bore Me' because I know how much you love that, and then keep going through all the fun group numbers together! 'My Junk,' 'Totally Fucked,' 'Bitch of Living,' 'Touch Me'..."

"Okay, okay! I'm convinced!" he laughs out loud, holding up his arms in willing defeat even as Lea excitedly rushes over to the bar to talk to someone. He can't believe she's doing this, and that's when it really hits him.

This is it.

This is _his_ Lea, the girl that thrills him, shocks him, amazes him. Challenges him to laugh louder, reach farther, to be more. The girl that does all the things that he just can't wrap his mind around, that makes him love her all the more just because of it.

In that moment when she turns around, her eyes seeming to spark, her whole form just _glowing_ \-- he remembers why he loves her, remembers who she is again.

"They'll let us do it, come on! Get your butt on that stage, Mister!"

Jon just grins as he takes her hand, the both of them heading up to the mic stand as a few crew members scurry around to get all set up, Jon briefly filling the pianist in on what they'll be singing.

It's exciting, going out and making music with her again. No pay, no real purpose other than their own personal joy, no one around to ask for autographs and crowd around them like they're big stars. Just them and the audience that might as well never have heard of either of them before.

 

&

 

“ _I had worked with two other Melchiors in the workshop process, and the minute I met Jonathan at the final audition for the Atlantic production, I felt an instant connection. But never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined that we would be as close as we are. He’s more than my best friend, he’s my soul mate, and I thank Spring Awakening for bringing him into my life_.” - Lea Michele, January 15th, 2008 {[x](http://www.broadway.com/buzz/141771/qa-lea-michele/)}

 

&

 

When they finish, Jon thinks it might be one of his favorite memories to date, happiness seeming to flood his chest with every echo of the audience's applause and the look on Lea's face like she's alive again for the first time in _months_ , refusing to fade.

It's like being drunk on love and happiness more so than the lingering tipsy feeling from the cocktails they had prior to their impromptu performance, and on their walk back along the palm tree-lined Sunset Boulevard, he can almost imagine them back in New York five, six years ago.

Lea is leaning into him, still humming the tune to 'Totally Fucked' as she sways happily, the smile on her face unending.

It's perfect, and for the first time in months, Jon feels like he's at home with her again.

The feeling of the post-show high doesn't seem to dissipate even by the time they get back to her house, no words needed between them as Lea shuts the door behind her and just leans in to kiss him, hard, her hand wrapping about his neck to drag him in close.

It stops him, briefly, kissing her back for a good half minute before pulling away again, uncertainty shining in his eyes as he slowly stares at her.

"I don't know," he whispers softly, his hand coming up to cup her face, run through her hair. But if he's entirely honest with himself, tonight it would make sense, it would fit, the perfect finish to their perfect evening, a proper reunion between them, nothing stopping them from loving each other again because he recognizes his beautiful, beautiful stage princess once more.

"Yes, yes, you do! You do know! I missed you and you missed me and we both want this, or you wouldn't have kissed back, you wouldn't have held like that, wouldn't have leaned in like that, like you still love me just as much as I love you!" she whispers urgently, so genuinely _her_ that he can't refuse her, can't wish her to be anyone different for the first time in a long time.

This time it's him leaning in to kiss her, both hands winding into her hair to draw her in as close as he can, content to just love her, as though months of separation and _missing her_ had to culminate in all of this, this rediscovery of her, her body, their love, the way she feels in his arms and in his chest.

He doesn't dare stop kissing her on the way to the bedroom, Lea clutching onto the front of his shirt as she walks backwards, as though needing this so much more than either of them can articulate.

In a way, it terrifies him, but they're both in so deep-- have always been-- that both the guilty conscience and the voice screaming at him in the back of his head that she's still _Glee's_ headlining star, the face of _Candie’s_ , featured in every single magazine at every newsstand is just muted enough for him to at least temporarily forget about Zach and remember _Lea_.

"Oh god, Lee--"

"Don't-- don't say anything, just-- just make love to me--"

She falls back on the bed, eagerly pulling him on top of her as her legs wrap around his waist, and he just shakes his head, pulling back to glance down at her for a long moment.

"I'm going to take my time with this."

Remembering her shouldn't be quick work-- it should take time, enough time to mean something deeper than just a quick fuck, and he takes a moment to tug off his shirt as Lea sits up on the bed, slipping out of her heels to fall to the floor.

"Here--" Shucking off his pants, socks, shoes, he nods for her to lie back, easing her out of her dress as his hand runs up the length of her calf with a small smile. "Turn around."

With her dress off, he can see everything, her whole body, his mouth instantly moving to the small inscription and the cross for her grandfather at her side, kissing it reverently as she sighs.

"Missed you," he mutters softly against her skin before trailing up to kiss at the musical notes on her shoulder, down to do the same to the butterfly at her hip, a soft squeal of a giggle leaving her as she looks down at him over her shoulder.

She's so beautiful like this, her hair fanned out over the mattress and part of her back, and he beams up at her. This is wrong, he's with Zach, he shouldn't lead her on-- there are a million reasons why loving this girl, right here, right now, is a veritable disaster of an idea, and yet...

Drawing her panties down, he kisses one there, slipping them easily down her legs before she flips, Jon gathering up her wrist to lovingly touch his lips on the _I Believe_ before moving onto her other hand for her gold star.

Her hip, the bird there, before he moves lower, lower down to her feet. The _Imagine_ , the small butterfly--

He stops.

"You got another--"

Turns her foot around.

Checks the other foot.

That's when he sees it, the small hook where the _O_ used to be sticking out just barely over one of the new three butterflies on the side of her foot. A hook here, a modification there.

He can barely see it anymore, but it's still there, neatly covered up by _more butterflies_.

Reality, time almost seems suspended for a long moment, Jon just staring at her foot in disbelief, feeling his stomach clench almost painfully.

"Jon, I can explain--"

She sits up, her voice cutting through his thoughts as though that really would somehow make any of this better, like she could _honestly_ explain trying to erase him out of her life like this, trying to cover up their memories and their love as though it should be as simple as just putting some butterflies on top and forgetting all about him.

"I'm leaving."

The words slip from his mouth before he even realizes what he's saying, getting up off the bed and pulling his pants back on as Lea's eyes go wide.

"What-- what, no, you can't!"

"I am!"

"Jon, I had every right to cover up that tattoo!"

"Oh, you did, did you?!"

"It's _my_ body and you _forgot_ about my _birthday_! Nothing was the same anymore between us, it didn't-- it didn't mean anything anymore!"

"It meant that we had something special, Lea! You can't just erase that just because you feel like it!"

"I can and I did! I'm-- I couldn't keep waiting for you, Jonathan! I waited-- I waited for _seven years_ for you to open your eyes and notice that I was _right in front of you_ , that you kept putting the best thing that ever happened to you on a backburner like I was just-- just convenient because I was always around whenever you wanted me to be! And nothing ever happened! We fucked _a lot_ and-- and who honestly knows?! Skylar? Lauren? My cousin-- I kept my mouth shut for you just like you asked while you kept pretending like this between us wasn't real, and yet I'm supposed to keep some _stupid doodle_ on my foot just because it means that I belong to you like I'm property?!"

"A-- a _stupid doodle_?! Lea, what the hell?"

"I'm not wasting any more time on you! I'm doing this for me because--" her voice cracks, Lea shaking her head at him despairingly. "Because you're not around anymore-- and-- and that's what the butterflies mean, because I'm... freeing myself and flying away and transforming back into myself again because I don't need you anymore! For once in my life, I'm doing this entirely for me, not-- not for you, and every time I take a shower or put on shoes I don't always want to look at-- at how much I love you and hate you and miss you and _need_ you when you don't even care to look twice at me anymore!"

"I can't-- I can't even look at you right now, Lea."

He just pulls his shirt back on before heading out the door, Lea hot on his heels.

"You can't just leave!"

"You hate me so much that covering up everything that we made together in New York wasn't even something you thought twice about. I thought I had you back tonight, but-- you're not Lea. So you should call me when you remember who she is again."

"No, nononono _no_ \--"

He gives her one last _bye_ before he heads downstairs, Lea grabbing her bed sheet to wrap around herself to chase after Jon.

But he just storms out.

In all their years together, he's never lost his temper with her, has always been the sweet, kind, patient, wonderful boy, always there to talk sense into her whenever she needs it.

She's still drunk enough that bad decisions seem like the only possible outcome of this mess as she stands at the top of the stairs in nothing but a sheet, hot, messy tears rolling down her cheeks as she stares at the door after him, still slightly ajar.

Sheila rubs against her feet, and it only takes her a second to decide to get dressed and head to her car. Tahoe for a few days to clear her head, take the edge off, make her forget about the fact that she just lost her best friend, the best person she ever had in her life, that she feels more broken than ever.

It's an eight hour drive, but she's feeling just unwise enough to make it in five or six.

 

&

 

 

&

 

“Can I please speak to Jonathan Groff?”

Jon nods, sitting up in bed and gently unwrapping Zach’s arm from around his waist, keeping his voice soft and low. “This is him.”

“Sir, this is Michelle Cooper. I’m a nurse at Memorial Hospital in Los Banos, California.”

Jon’s stomach sinks and he looks over at Zach, grateful that he’s there, before getting out of bed to go into the living room, phone pressed to his ear as he starts pacing.

“Uh-huh...”

He knows that they’re trained to give out information slowly, that someone wouldn’t be calling him at five in the morning from a hospital he’s never heard of it something weren’t... wrong.

“I have a Miss...” There’s some rustling paper while Jon holds his breath. “... Lea Sarfati in our emergency room. You’re the contact listed in her phone in case of an accident?”

Jon is stunned into silence while a fucking rock drops to the pit of his stomach and he forgets to breathe. Tonight was... amazing and then awful. He said terrible things to her and now she’s in a hospital after an accident. He’ll never forgive himself if she doesn’t come out of this.

Hell, he might just never forgive himself regardless.

“... Sir? Do you know Miss Sarfati?” the nurse prompts after his silence.

“I-- y-yeah,” Jon responds, a little unsteadily. “She’s... my best friend.” Or, she used to be. “Is she okay? What happened?”

“I can’t give out much information over the phone, but I am authorized to tell you that her condition is stable. However,” Another pause to let it sink in. “She was in a car accident and she won’t be able to drive once she’s released. So, she'll need a ride home.”

“Okay,” Jon nods, looking around the house for his shoes before he realizes that he needs pants and a shirt first. “Okay. I’m coming. It’s... Los Banos?”

“Yes, sir. Most GPS units will get you here just fine and we’re the only hospital in town. Memorial.”

“Okay,” he says again, nodding even though she can’t see him, so fucking worried about Lea.

“Sir?” the nurse asks, just before he’s about to hang up. “Take a deep breath. She’s okay right now. Just drive carefully. We don’t need two accidents tonight.”

Jon feels his throat get tight and thick with tears, nodding again.

“Thank you.”

And it’s the most sincere _thank you_ of his entire fucking life. Because she just assured him that his Lea would be okay.

 

&

 

“ _When you get to your mid-20s, you feel like the people who are in your life are the ones who will always be in your life - and she will be, for sure_.” - Jonathan Groff, August 27th, 2010 {[x](http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-1306530/From-Glee-gore-The-unlikely-path-Amish-heart-throb.html?ito=feeds-newsxml#ixzz0xlGmQP3c)}

 

&

 

He leaves a note for Zach since the sun isn’t even up and he doesn’t have time to explain what’s happening. Hell, he doesn’t even know what’s happening.

His GPS says it’ll take him about four hours to get there, and the only good thing about driving this early on a Sunday is that, for once, there’s no traffic. He normally is pretty good about speed limits and stuff like that, but this early and with Lea _in the hospital_ , he really doesn’t give a fuck, so he keeps his speed just reasonable enough to avoid being pulled over.

Finally, he ends up making it just shy of nine, a little more than three hours after he left. He runs into the emergency room in jeans and a t-shirt he didn’t realize was inside out, his hair going everywhere as he runs his fingers through it, trying to sort it out a little bit.

“I’m Jonathan Groff,” he breathes out in a rush. “I’m here for--”

“Miss Sarfati,” the nurse nods, picking up a phone. “I’ll call her doctor and let him know that you’re here. You can wait in those chairs right there.”

Looking at the small waiting room, Jon nods a little bit and makes his way over, not really sure what to expect. He’s worried about her, unbearably so, and he just wishes he’d never pushed their issues with her. Let her do whatever the fuck she wants to her body, just so long as she’s _okay_.

He’s not sure how long he waits, but it feels like hours. He gets up to pace, looking past the front desk for any sign of Lea and the distinctive blue dress she was wearing last night.

“Sir?” A tall man that looks to be in his late thirties comes up behind Jon, touching him on the back of his shoulder. “Mr. Groff?”

Jon turns around suddenly, extending his hand as he nods. “Yeah. Hi. Are you Lea’s doctor?”

He shakes the man’s hand as the doctor nods. “I am. Why don’t we have a seat?”

Jon nods, sitting down where the doctor leads him, his stomach sinking. “Just... tell me she’s going to be okay,” he whispers, clearing his throat to keep his voice from cracking.

“She is,” he assures Jon quickly. “But there are some things we need to talk about before you see her. “She was in an accident at a high speed. Her car has been taken to a local shop, but it’s likely totaled.”

“That’s fine. Just so long as _she’s_ okay,” Jon says, looking toward the hall of rooms in the emergency room. “She can afford a new car.”

“That... brings me to the next thing...” the doctor says slowly. “As we understand it, Miss Sarfati is a bit of a celebrity.”

Jon simultaneously bristles and wants to laugh. He can’t remember the last time that someone didn’t know who Lea was, but here in the middle of nowhere, they found someone.

“Yes...” he replies carefully.

“You can relax, I’m not mentioning it because we called a tabloid. But another hospital might not have been so respectful, especially considering the state she was in when she arrived.”

“What... state?” Jon asks warily, not sure he’ll like the answer.

“In an accident like hers, it’s standard procedure to run a blood alcohol test. Hers came back below the legal limit, but there was still alcohol in her system. That, combined with the late hour that she was driving was probably the cause of the accident. She’s fortunate that she wasn’t hurt worse.”

Jon nods, absorbing the information. He still doesn’t know the extent of her injuries, but... Jesus. Fuck him if he’s ever going to leave her in a state like that again.

“Now, she’s ready to go home already, but she’ll need to be monitored for the next twenty-four hours. She has a concussion and badly sprained ankle, but she should be fine just with a little Tylenol,” he tells Jon, moving to stand.

He stands with the doctor, extending his hand again, feeling unbelievably fucking relieved.

“Thank you _so_ much. Really,” Jon says, feeling his throat get tight again.

He can’t believe that he almost lost her. He said all those things to her, and those could have been his last words to her. He’s determined to be there for her however she’ll let him, because she is truly the love of his life. Tattoo or no, he realizes that now.

When he comes into her room with her admission forms all ready to go and be signed, she’s lying in bed on her side with her eyes closed. He comes over to where she is, kneeling in front of her, his hand stroking her hair back a little bit.

“Baby?” he whispers, kissing her forehead.

“Mm.” She moans a little bit, rolling over onto her back, and it’s the most beautiful sound he’s ever heard, Jon tearing up a little bit with sheer relief. “My head...”

“I know. The doctors have some meds for you to take once I get you home.” Taking her arm to help her sit up, Jon runs his fingers gently through her hair, frowning at the bump he feels on the side of her head.

Looking up at him with big eyes, Lea smiles a little bit.

“They called you?” she asks softly, and his stomach clenches up.

“Should they... not have?”

“No,” she whispers. “I’m just... surprised.”

“Well, I’m the closest thing you have to family out here,” he says, hoping that it’s still true, that they’re still that close.

She nods, tearing up a little as she leans forward and buries her face in his front, her hands clutching at his shoulders as tight as she can. “I’m so glad you’re here, Jonathan.”

Her words are so heartfelt, so pure and meaningful, that it breaks him a little bit. Nodding, Jon pulls her a little closer, stroking her hair back as he kisses the top of her head. “I’m here, baby. I’m not leaving.”

He makes sure to repeat that mantra a few times for her, holding her close until she feels ready to let go. He can’t imagine how shaken she must have been waking up here in a strange hospital, not to mention the actual accident. But his Lea is tough, and she can take a lot, so when he pulls back, he gives her a little smile.

“Ready to go home?” he asks hopefully, holding the overnight bag from her car. Her dress is ripped a little from the glass that broke in her car when she crashed, so he starts rummaging through the bag for something comfortable for her to wear.

“Yes.” Biting her lip around a smile, Lea leans back in the bed, resting her bumped head against her hand while she watches Jon rummage through the bag.

Jon finds a loose sweater, holding it up in front of his chest. “How about this? With...” He picks up a red tank top. “This?”

Looking at them, Lea nods a little before wincing at the motion. “That’s good.”

There’s an awkward beat when he’s trying to decide whether to help her with her clothes or not, considering what he’ll see. Finally, he just decides that this is something he would have done for her before they ever slept together, so this is something that he’ll do now. He’s not going to take advantage of her, especially not with how they left things last night, so he just sets the sweater, tank, and yoga pants aside, nodding to her.

“Arms up?”

“Whatever you say, Daddy.” She gives him a coy smile, and Jon lets out a soft, relieved laugh. If she’s feeling well enough to joke, then she must be feeling better. It’s reassuring just as much as it’s slightly uncomfortable considering the night before.

Lifting the gown carefully up over her head, he makes sure not to look at her for too long, not wanting her to get the wrong idea about his intentions. He gets her tank top ready, slipping it over her head next, followed by the sweater, and finally the pants, helping her step into those with his arm firmly around her waist to make sure she doesn’t fall.

He guides her through checking out and gets her and her bag back to the car. That part’s easy. He’s good at taking things step by step and helping her. He’s good at being a rock and a support system. In the car, though, he’s suddenly faced with everything that was said last night and he’s not sure how to handle it. So, considering that she was just in a traumatic accident, he suggests the same thing that his mother always does.

“Maybe you should just sleep. It’s a long drive back...” he tells her, getting her settled and everything.

Lea looks over at him for a long moment before shaking her head a little bit. “No... I’m fine...”

“... okay.” Now that they’re out of the hospital, he’s not sure what’s going to happen. But they have four hours of just them. Reaching for her hand as he turns onto the interstate, Jon glances over at her. “I’m really glad you’re okay, Lee. I don’t know what I would have done if something happened to you.”

 

&

 

“ _I love Jonathan Groff with all of my heart — he is my best friend in the entire world, and I couldn’t imagine being here without him_.” - Lea Michele, November 24th, 2006 {[x](http://press.leamicheleweb.org/diva-talk-chatting-with-spring-awakenings-lea-michele)}

 

&

 

He sounds so genuine, so relieved, so much like _her_ Jon, that Lea blinks a little, not sure if this confusion is warranted, or just a side effect of her head injury.

“Really?” she asks slowly, twisting in her seat to look at him a little. “Because from what you said last night, you seemed pretty happy never to see me again...”

She’s not saying it to be passive aggressive or purposefully make him feel more guilty, not really. She just... didn’t expect him to still care. After months of nothing and then blowing up at her like that, she just doesn’t expect him to still give a shit, not when he walked out on her like that.

“I seemed _happy_?” he asks incredulously. “Lea, when in the last seven months have I seemed _happy_ to be fighting with you?”

She shrugs, settling into her seat and adjusting the air vents before reaching for the radio. “Maybe not. But, why is it all of a sudden so different now? I bump my head and you come running?” She sighs, hating him a little bit for making her love him a little more by coming for her. “You’re doing a pretty bad job of staying mad at me.”

“I _am_ still mad at you,” he quickly replies, glancing over at her. “I’m _pissed off_ , Lea. I don’t understand how you could have done that.”

“Oh.” She pouts a little bit, bringing her injured ankle up to rest on the dash before deciding to leave it down in the footroom.

“But I--” He sighs, shaking his head. “I still love you, much as my life would be easier if I didn’t.”

“Sorry I’m such an inconvenience,” she snaps at him, crossing her arms.

“I wasn’t going to just leave you in a hospital!” he tells her, clearly offended that she would even think he would. “You told them to call me!”

“No, I didn’t! I just forgot to take you off as my In Case of Emergency contact...” The last part is mumbled, Lea taking out her phone (now with a cracked screen) to start scrolling through it.

“I don’t even know what to say to you anymore,” he sighs sadly, wishing her phone had broken in the crash.

“Well, you won’t have to worry about that in a few hours. You’ll drop me off, and then leave me, and we’ll just... go back to our lives.” She says it like she wants that, too, instead of feeling like her heart is breaking at the thought of having to live her life separately from him.

He shakes his head in disgust and frustration, looking like he’s on the verge of saying something when his phone in the cupholder rings, a picture of Zach and his dog popping up. Sitting up a little straighter, her mouth drops open as Jon actually _answers it_. Right here in the car with _her_ , in the middle of a conversation, he answers a call from his boyfriend.

“Hey, baby--”

She's honestly not sure what comes over her. Seeing his hand go for the phone, hearing him _answer it_ and call Zach _that_ \-- She loses it. She sees red.

Hitting the window button with one hand, she reaches for the phone with the other, wrestling with him for a tense moment as the car veers off to the right a bit, toward the ditch.

"Lea! What the fuck--!" he screams as he loses his grip on the phone, in favor of straightening the wheel out, and she chunks it out the window. They're going fast enough and the iphone is small and light enough that it barely makes a sound as it hits the ground, bounces under the car and gets crushed underneath the back wheels of his car.

There's a long, stunned silence, Lea breathing hard as she rolls the window up and sits in her seat again. Finally, Jon looks over at her like she's insane.

"What the _hell_ did you just do?" he asks slowly. "I mean what could you have _possibly_ been thinking?"

Lea looks just as furious as she did before, turning in her seat to glare at him. Her chest is tight and her cheeks are burning and she _hates_ it, but she feels angry tears start to prick the back of her eyes.

"What could _I_ have been thinking?!" she screams incredulously. "We're in the middle of a conversation about our relationship and you take a call from _your boyfriend_?! _If_ my tattoo still meant what you apparently thought it did, you never would have fucking done that! So, thank you, Jonathan, for proving me entirely right! This is why I covered it up. It doesn't mean _anything_ anymore and I'm not sure it ever did if you could just turn your back on me like you did!"

She's never seen him this angry before in her life. If she were looking harder at his eyes, she would have seen that he's never been this sad, either. His hands are clenched tightly on the wheel and his jaw is set as Jon stares straight ahead. He gets angry so rarely that this is a little jarring for her. At the same time, she’s still just as angry as he is, and she stares hard at him, her jaw clenched.

“What?” she prompts at the top of her lungs, her head pounding from her own voice and her blood pressure that’s rapidly increasing. “You don’t have _anything_ to say to me?!”

It’s a long time before he answers her, sparing a glance from the road.

“You know, Lee...” he starts slowly, still clearly angry, but sighing, as if he’s resigned himself to what he’s about to say, an unfortunate fact of their new existence. He’s not happy about it, not in the least, but he knows he can’t change it. “The girl I fell in love with _never_ would have covered that tattoo up, never would have given up on us and literally erased our history. But... you’re not that girl anymore.”

Listening to his words, Lea shrinks into her seat, feeling herself start to cry. He’s never been this... _mean_ before, and she honestly doesn’t know what she can even do at this point to make it better. He’s wrong. She is the same person. If he can’t see that, then he’s the one that changed.

She can’t even think of what to say to that, feeling like she’s just been hit in the stomach with a bowling ball. After a long silence and a lot of staring out the window with him not saying a fucking word, she snaps.

“I was just holding you back, right? That’s what this is about?” she asks, the pieces all slowly falling into place. “I was just a dirty little secret with a big mouth that was a fun distraction for a while.” He doesn’t say anything, but she sees his jaw tick, so she keeps pushing. “Admit it, you're glad things turned out like this because now you don't have to deal with the reminder that you're lying to everyone around you!”

“This isn’t about _anyone_ else, Lea!” He finally breaks and it’s like an entire dam burst, years of emotion pouring out of him. “This is about you and what you did. I made mistakes, I can admit that, but you’ve changed so fucking much I barely recognize you! Dating Cory, the neverending stream of promo tweets, a new ad campaign every week... I can’t fucking keep up with it! You belong on a _stage_ , performing for people every single night. It makes me sick to see that you’ve lost your way, and... I can’t do it any more. So, yeah. Maybe it’s for the best that you covered up the tattoo. I won’t have to see that, too, while you fuck someone for a bonus.”

Ignoring that he basically just called her a whore, Lea turns toward the window, staring at it for a while before she gets dizzy and closes her eyes. It only takes about thirty minutes for her to cry herself to sleep, and then with her head injury, she stays out the rest of the way home.

She only wakes up at the feeling of being carried, Lea raising her head to see Jon’s face as he carefully walks through her house to her bedroom. He looks upset, and for a moment she’s surprised, what happened in the car slowly coming back to her in waves as she reaches out to trace a tear track on his cheek.

He still doesn’t say anything, just setting her gently on her bed and kissing her forehead as he runs his fingers through her hair a little. Finally, he pulls away, moving toward the door.

“I love you,” he whispers one last time as he leaves.

Or, at least, she thinks she heard it. She _hopes_ he said it and that it wasn’t just her concussion.

 

&

 

" _Joking and speculation aside, it is widely known that Jonathan Groff is Lea’s best friend. The journey that they have shared over the past few years has undoubtedly created a bond that will last for years to come. Fighting tears, Lea explained how important their friendship is to her before she sweetly dedicated Sweeney’s ‘Not While I’m Around’ to her co-star._ " - February 28th, 2008 {[x](http://harvesthome.blogspot.com/2008/02/six-degrees-of-lea-michele.html)}

 

&

 

The next week on set is... rough at best.

She puts on her best smile, hoping to fake it until she makes it as she goes through the motions. A photo shoot on Wednesday, a lunch with Cory on Thursday, a meeting with Ryan on Friday, on set almost every day.

A part of her wants, very badly, to prove Jon wrong. Run left and right at unbelievable speeds while she keeps up with the bed she made, willing herself to lie in it now.

She's lost Jon, but she can't lose her other friends, her career-- or, most importantly, the fact that she's _right_ , that she _can_ be superwoman and keep going like this forever and smile every day like she means it.

But she doesn't.

It hurts because he's _right_ , because now she can't just close her eyes and pretend the problems don't exist. It's like seeing the world through a wholly new, magnified lens. Where, before, she hardly even noticed Ryan's off-handed comments on what the group should remember to tweet about _Glee_ , _American Horror Story_ , or any other pet project he's got going on, now the words seem to grate.

How dare he tell them what to tweet? But every time the words _he doesn't own me_ enter her brain, she's forced to remember that he kind of does. A contract until the end of time that she got paid a fortune to sign. At the time it seemed like such a good deal, but considering the ratings and the fact that she just _hasn't_ felt inspired since the end of the second season, that Jon _is_ right about that and everything else--

Two weeks after their fight, she has a meltdown in her trailer. Someone left a bottle of hair gel-- Darren, probably-- and all Lea can think of is how _badly_ she doesn't want that taken away from her as well, that hair gel used to make her think of Jonathan and no one else, that she's already lost her freedom, her inspiration, and her drive and passion to _create_ , that she can't lose her memories of him, too.

She's always been an impulsive, hot-headed person-- it's what made her so well-suited for New York and so very much the opposite behind the wheel of a car on the busy streets of Los Angeles, and by the time she's finished crying, she's already texted Ryan to set up a meeting time for them, canceling her Candie's shoot that afternoon.

Suddenly, New York can't seem to come soon enough.

She sells her house and buys her way out of her contract with Ryan despite every single bit of protest from him and everyone else, packing up with Sheila to head back to her apartment in New York City. Other than her close friends, no one knows what happened or why, and that's fine. For once, she's more than okay with the world not knowing about her every move, about the way she likes to drink her coffee-- black with rice milk-- or which side of the bed is hers-- next to Jon.

But she doesn't tell him.

Doesn't even breathe a word.

 

&

 

  
_It is said it takes seven years_  
to grow completely new skin cells.  
To think, this year I will grow  
into a body you never will  
have touched.  
— Brett Elizabeth Jenkins

 

&

 

The seemingly stagnant air in the streets of New York City is anything but. To Lea, it's always felt oddly invigorating, as though lifting her up and reminding her that she's alive, that she can't stay in any one place for too long lest she breathe deathly fumes from this or that pot hole or grate beneath her feet.

The whole city never sleeps, constantly moving as though one large organ pumping its inhabitants through it with pulse after throbbing pulse. It reminds her that she's here for a reason, that downsizing significantly, letting her steady cash flow from every single one of her projects take such a heavy hit, means that going out to auditions once more comes with a real purpose now. She's not waiting for offers like she just assumes this belongs to her, isn't touting off her name as though she ought to deserve freebies for just _being_ Lea Michele.

Instead, she's going to auditions-- small, off-Broadway shows that actually inspire her instead of just making her money and getting her name out there. Darren's making the same mistakes now that she made, and seeing a form of her own cautionary tale seems to reel her back in and away from the door to the major show she just doesn't care to be a part of.

It all comes together one day at a small coffee shop on Broadway. As it turns out, Richard Jay-Alexander knows a guy working with a book manuscript in the hopes of turning it into a play, and the second Lea actually gets the chance to sit down and read it-- because, honestly, it's not like she has much of anything to do anymore-- she falls in love.

It's instant, it's beautiful, and the more she sees of the play as it continues to grow and develop, the further she falls.

Finding sponsors and patrons for funding is easy when your headlining star is going to be Lea Michele, and for once, she feels like she's doing something good, something meaningful with her name and title, just one month since her move back to New York, seven weeks since her fight with Jon, since she last talked to him.

New York actually experiences seasons, unlike LA, and it's clearly Christmas, seemingly all of the city decked out in lights and snow and holiday cheer as her iPod plays Bing Crosby and Doris Day. Her meetings with her new writer/producer/director are as inspiring as ever, Lea wondering how she ever departed from this feeling in her chest, how she ever got so far off track that she got stuck in a rut on _Glee_ and in LA when this is what she needs-- the stage, her heart, New York.

The only thing still missing is Jon.

The holidays always make her think of their joint family dinners, of their Christmas celebrations, their presents for each other stuffed neatly underneath her Christmas tree in her living room, the encroaching New Year's Eve tradition they'll be missing this year if they don't figure things out by then.

Today, she's returning home to her apartment with a bag in hand-- a present for her mother for Christmas that serves as a far too capable reminder of the fact that she already knows what she wants to get Jon, that the only thing keeping her from going out and spending the money is the fact that she doesn't want to see it sitting there for months under a lonely Christmas tree he doesn't want to return to.

"... hey."

The voice jolts her from her thoughts, from where her gaze had been trained on her keys in her hand as she tries to find the right one, eyes going wide at the sight of him at the top of the stairs.

"... how long have you been sitting there?"

He just shrugs. "I wasn't sure when you'd be back..."

"You could have just used your key."

"I wasn't... sure if I still could." There's a short pause as he hesitates, smiling a bit sadly. "Should."

"You-- you can always use your key."

It's so off-handed as she brushes past him to unlock the door, Jon getting up to follow her, even if it's anything but normal for them these days.

"What are you doing here, I thought you'd be... in LA working on your movie. Movies," she corrects herself, shaking her head as the door closes behind him.

"Holiday break," he shrugs, looking at her for a long moment. "I'm headed back on the second."

"Mm."

"What about you?"

"... I'm not."

Something seems to shift in the air all at once, like her gaze locking with his changes something so suddenly and deeply that it anchors them both together permanently again, the ground beneath them reverberating as though by the force of an earthquake.

"I quit Glee and everything else and I'm working in New York now," she clears her throat, turning around again to busy herself with something that really doesn't need busying with, terrified of seeing a look of cold, smug victory on his face.

But it never comes, Jon's hands instead wrapping around her upper arms to pull her back and turn her around, his arms wrapping about her as tightly as he can.

It reminds her of back when they were still _them_ , one whole cohesive unit instead of two halves constantly fighting against each other from being unable to fit together, and before she knows it, he's lifting her off the ground, spinning her with a soft, disbelieving laugh.

"Welcome back," he whispers, just... beaming from one ear to the next. "Promise you'll never scare me like that again."

She laughs even though she knows she shouldn't, not with what the last six weeks just meant for them, grinning up at him so hugely. "I missed you. I-- I missed _New York_ , I missed working on a show that made me feel _everything_ in the world, that reminded me why I wanted this in the first place! You--" she stops, taking a deep breath as she bows her head and stares at his stomach, slowly nodding. "You... were right. As much as I hate to say it."

"I couldn't lose my best friend to some girl that was just pretending to be her, it hurt too much," he whispers in her ear when he wraps back around her, squeezing her so tightly once more as he kisses her temple.

"It's good to be back," she nods, just burying her face in his front.

 

&

 

“ _One of the cutest parts of today was msleamichele and J.Groff’s seven minute embrace_.” - April 25th, 2012 {[x](http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m32fd291C21qayxi6o1_500.png)}

 

&

 

They cook dinner together again that night, a big vegetarian lasagna that turns out just perfectly, finishing it off with bit of trashy television as they eat. Lea learns through the evening that Jon and Zach broke up if only because Jon was simply getting to be too busy to maintain things properly the way he would have liked to if he were being a good boyfriend, and Lea even musters up the ability to feel sad for them-- at least until he mentions that he didn't want to _lose her, too_ following that, and then that quickly slips away.

But things are good-- better, even. _Perfect_. And when Jon starts massaging the comfortably familiar feet in his lap again, his fingers starting to trace over the slight loop of the _O_ now part of a butterfly, she doesn't stop him from picking up a pen off the endtable beside him and retracing the former words.

They're still there-- faint, but there, and for once, Lea is grateful for it, biting her lip as she watches him write.

"We could just put it somewhere else..." she whispers softly as he's halfway through _city_ , and he pauses long enough to shake his head.

"Can't get rid of me that easily... so it should be in the same place. And it's still there-- kind of. Besides," he grins hugely, "it's kind of nice, being on your heel. Keeps you grounded-- like me. So you always remember where your roots are."

"With you," she smiles through her tears, nodding quietly as she leans in to kiss him again, her hand slipping up to cup his cheek.

They don't have sex again that night, and as much as she wishes to protest Jon's words on the topic, she knows he's inherently right, that it makes sense. They can't-- not yet. Not until she's his again, until _our city, our love_ is back in its rightful place.

A perfect reminder that no matter how old they become, no matter how far they drift apart, no matter how great the distance is between them, she can never erase him from her skin, just as much as he can't get her out from deep under his.

 

  
_fin_.


End file.
